11: The Bootleg Zone

Dr. Eggman hovered over the parking lot with Cubot and Orbot in his robo-pod. The Egg Manta hovered way out in the distance.

Between the doctor and Sonic was a horned robot about the size of an NBA player.

“So what’s your harebrained scheme tonight, Eggy?” Sonic asked, annoyed.

“Well, I couldn’t come up with a new robot to kill you with or an update for one of my older models… so I modified these Chinatown action figures!” the doctor exclaimed. “I’d like to introduce you to Mazinga 7!”

Sonic blinked. “Just by looking at it, I think Go Nagai might sue somebody.”

“Shut it, hedgehog!” the doctor growled. “Here comes the brain!”

A little hovercraft, which definitely was not based on Mazinger Z’s pilder vehicle, landed in the robot that obviously was not Mazinger Z. The big toy turned on.

“After that,” said Sonic “Go Nagai is probably going to sue someone.”

The giant action figure fired its right fist at the hedgehog, who side-stepped it a Spin Dashed the big plastic robot.

It went to pieces. Seems it wasn’t very sturdy.

“After that,” said the hedgehog “I’m not so sure he’ll want to do it, since it’s junk now. Later, Egghead!” The boy tried to walk away and get his bag.

“I’m not done yet!” the doctor yelled. He pressed a button on his console.

Five shots were fired from the underside of the Egg Manta.

In a few seconds, five robot lions were lined up side by side under the robo-pod.

“First Mazinger Z, now Voltron?” said Sonic.

Eggman growled. “This is not Voltron! It’s LionBot!” His grimace turned into a grin. “Form LionBot!”

The five lion robots leapt into the air and combined via magnetism. First the feet and legs were formed. The arms and torso came next. Finally, the head. The fifth lion’s mouth opened, revealing a humanoid face.

“That was a totally flashy combination sequence, I must say!” said Cubot. “That was totally amazing how it all snapped together and formed a big knight, just like Voltron! Talk about awesome of awesome stuff!”

Eggman puffed out his cheeks in frustration.

Sonic just grinned. “See?”

Eggman growled. “LionBot! Kill Sonic!”

The not-Voltron toy leapt at Sonic and tried to use a flying kick on him. The hedgehog slid under the leg.

It stretched out its right arm and blasted a stream of fire at Sonic. He leapt over the flames and did a homing attack to not-Voltron’s chest.

From behind, a shot was fired from the Egg Manta. A large mallet came spinning toward the parking lot. The big bootleg picked up the mallet with its lion head hands. It looked a bit awkward.

“I remember Voltron using a sword, not a big mallet,” said Sonic.

“IT’S LIONBOT! LAI-YUN-BOT!” Eggman screamed, with a magenta face.

The toy came running at Sonic with the hammer. The hedgehog revved up a Spin Dash and impacted the giant bootleg in the gut. For some reason, not-Voltron sustained a musical note in falsetto (to those of you who have seen the anime the toy was ripping off, the real Voltron opened its mouth sometimes).

The hammer flew out of its grip. It fell backwards and went offline.

“Thanks for the fun, but I need to go home,” said Sonic. “I’ve spanked you enough tonight, Mr. McLard. Bye!”

“OH NO!” the doctor roared. “We’re just getting started! The last two robots were super, but this one’s for real!” Another button was pressed.

An angular space jet came flying out of the Egg Manta. A large box-like vehicle followed it.

“Lock in laser guidance!” Eggman barked. “Distance fifty meters. Begin docking sequence in five, four, three, two, one… lower Gunboy Section B!”

The big box dropped out a pair of robotic legs like a bomb. The jet (a “brain” as Eggman called it) turned into a boxy shape and pulled the legs towards its afterburners; it fit in like a glove.

“Lower Gunboy Section A!”

The arms, shoulders, and head came down next; the right hand held a 50’s style ray gun, with a round shield on the left arm. Like the legs, the “brain” pulled that section to it. It also snapped together.

The swamp-green giant stood more or less as big as not-Mazinger Z did.

Its head looked kind of like a pharaoh’s, with devilish horns coming out the sides of its head.

Eggman grinned. “Behold, Sonic… the incredible Space Soldier Gunboy!”

“You really like to tick off the Japanese, don’t you?” Sonic said flatly.

“Oh, why don’t you shut up?” Eggman grumbled.  “Gunboy! Kill!”

The slightly modified and repainted RX-78-2 Gundam toy stuck out its chrome ray gun and tried to shoot Sonic. Of course, the weapon fizzled out and the young hedgehog homing attacked it in the gut. The action figure was disarmed.

The super-sized toy pulled out what was usually a beam saber… but here, it was just a plastic hilt that telescoped into a “sword”.

“Figure 8 Peel-Out time!” yelled Sonic.

In a flash, the “sword” came down on the ground… but seemed to hit Sonic—he was sliding along the pavement, chin-first.

“Ho ho ho! How do you like that!?” Eggman laughed.

Sonic rolled over, smiling as smugly as he usually did around the mad scientist. “How do you like that?” he asked, pointing at the bootleg.

Eggman stopped laughing and looked at Gunboy. It was in the same position, but was wobbling.

In a few seconds, the whole thing went to pieces.

 

Eggman forehead fell into his palms.

“Gee, I totally didn’t see that coming!” said Cubot “That was, like, a total curbstomp, no question! And we were around to see it firsthand! It’s quite something any way you slice it!”

The doctor glared at the defective yellow robot, he was nearly at the end of his rope. I didn’t even think you HAD Martin Short in databanks.

“Doctor, do you think we should cut our losses and go back to the ship?” asked Orbot.

“I’m with Red, Blubberbuns,” Sonic yelled. “I have family business to take care of! Make like a banana and get outta here!”

“I’m down, but I’m not out, Sonic!” Eggman bellowed. Yet another button was pressed.

An explosion from a nearby manhole saw four figures somersault through the air. They were turtle-like bootlegs.

“Not more,” Sonic groaned, slapping his face.

“Sonic,” said Eggman “meet the Teenage Mutated Fighter Tuttles!”

The hedgehog looked at the latest bootlegs. They were a bunch of poorly-painted Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys with two of them having Raphael’s red mask; no Michelangelo to speak of! They had belt buckles… but they were all labeled randomly: not-Leonardo was marked “M”, Raphael-1 was marked “C”, Raphael-2 was marked “P”, and not-Donatello was marked “L”. Not-Leo had glitter all over his green paint and not-Donny had a clear head with blinking red-and-blue light in his head!

Even the weapons were wrong! Not-Leo had a bullwhip; not-Donny, a medieval broadsword; Raph-1, a bo staff; Raph-2, a pair of revolvers!

“It’s like a toy collector’s fever dream…” Sonic muttered.

Not-Donny ran toward Sonic, sword in hand and head flashing. Raph-2 followed from behind.

Sonic pretty much used Not-Donny as a stepping stone and was able to homing attack the gun-toting phony Raphael. One down.

Not-Leo jumped over the smashed Raph-2 and lashed at Sonic, Belmont-style. The hedgehog evaded the whip and flipped around a few times before Spin Dashing at Raph-1.

The toy tried to smack the hedgehog with its staff, but got its head kicked off by the hedgehog. It collapsed under its own weight. Scratch two; only not-Donny and not-Leo were left.

Not-Leo was about to lash at Sonic again. Thinking quickly, the boy eyed not-Mazinger Z’s fist on the ground and knocked it into the whip’s path! The line wrapped around the large piece of plastic, buying the hedgehog enough time to dart ahead and slide under it.

The toy went to pieces. Three down.

Not-Donny was taken apart by an expertly-timed Spin Dash. Sonic made contact when the toy was in mid-swing. All four were shellshocked.

“You got any more?” Sonic said, clearly fed up “This is starting to get old!”

“YOU WILL BE BEATEN!” the doctor screamed.

Another modified bootleg was summoned: Robby Cop. It was clearly not ripping off Robocop. It went down just seconds after it got there.

After that came Ulter Man, who was not a bargain-bin Ultraman toy with a bad paintjob. Sonic took it down almost as quickly as Robby Cop.

This was followed by the Wevangeliwon, which looked nothing like EVA-01. This chunk of plastic was the sturdiest of the newest wave: two hits from Sonic was enough to take it out of commission.

Next up… it didn’t even have a name. It was a Spider-Man head on a generic soldier toy’s body, covered in seaweed. It didn’t have a chance.

“Got any more!?” Sonic yelled, clearly out of patience.

Eggman snarled; he didn’t have any more bootlegs. “This isn’t over, Sonic! I will take you down somehow!”

The robo-pod turned around and flew back to the Egg Manta. Cubot was still going on about how one-sided the battle was, with all his “Gee”s and “I must say”s, much to Eggman’s annoyance.

“Thank goodness that’s over,” said Sonic. He turned around to see the brown paper bag sitting on the bench near the entrance to the store. He zipped back over, grabbed it, and made for home.